Jacob pointed out that I haven’t written anything in over a month. Funny, I always have periods of time where I simply don’t write anything. I mean, of course I’ll jot down some lines here or there. But I don’t sit down to write something from my heart. And I’ve always wondered why I am so writing-bipolar; one month I’ll be a writing nutcase and the next I’ll barely touch a pen. I’ve come to the realization that I write when I am most unhappy or conflicted. This is where my problems with contentedness lie, in that I’m afraid I’ll lose the deepest part of myself if I’m comfortable. Here’s the layout.
Discontent → writing a lot → thinking about things → questioning → forming conclusions → feeling independent and happy.
Content → never writing → thinking about things but bottling them up → trying to talk to people but failing → feeling too dependent and unhappy.
That probably won’t make sense to most people. But it’s how my mind works and I’m dealing with it. Am I content now? I certainly don’t feel that way, but my writing (or lack thereof) begs to differ.
People floor me, sometimes. Lately, I have been spending much of my time questioning. The motivations of other people scare me. I worry too much as it is, but I definitely worry most about the truthfulness of those around me.
Trust, Shuff.
Too bad I suck at trusting people. That’s downfall #1 of Ashley. I have hardly any trust, because I know those I’m closest to will end up hurting me the most. This is not to say that I don’t form close friendships with people. I only like to form close friendships, really, as the other sorts of friendships are usually petty. But typically I spend much of my time listening instead of talking, because it is only in myself that I trust my thoughts.
Downfall #2: When I am upset, I do not enjoy talking about it until I’ve fully understood what I’m thinking. Some might consider this a good thing, but it is extremely frustrating to others. If I stop talking for a long period of time, it’s probably because I’m really upset and don’t want to confront it.
Downfall #3: I seek revenge. I’m sure I don’t seem like the type. This is probably because my revenge is always subtle. I will make underhanded comments, will deliberately push buttons, will seek ways to make someone mad when I know that what I’m doing is wrong.
Downfall #4: I do not think someone is worth my time if they don’t consider me a best friend. Even though I don’t give back what others give to me in a friendship (until I am very comfortable), I expect my friends to consider me their closest. Typically, if I realize that I am not a priority, I will stop talking to a person altogether. I would much rather love another passionately and with intensity than with mediocrity. Perhaps that most hurtful thing someone could say to me in a relationship would be, “s/he is more important than you” or “my friends come first”. I am not to be taken advantage of.
Downfall #5: I do not let go of things that hurt me. I love conflict. I thrive on conflict. I don’t like arguing because I typically get very upset, but I love thinking about things and feeling that intense mix of emotions that so often comes with problems. I will spend days stewing over something so much that I become physically ill. This is an awful way to be, and I have tried to work on it, but unfortunately I haven’t made much progress. Most likely, this downfall is my least favorite.
I am who I am. Take me or leave me. But don’t ever make fun of me for things I can’t change, don’t try to change me, and don’t take me for granted. Don’t let your friends speak poorly of me, don’t keep things from me that I should know, don’t lead me on.
I am fully capable of leaving and finding exactly what I want/need. And I will, even if it means having my heart broken. But I would love to stay. I would always love to stay.
Well, that post took several paths I didn’t expect. Hope you enjoy learning a bit more about me (although I’m sure if you’re reading this you probably know a lot of this already).
