Typically, I like to think deep. No, I don't sit around all day and ponder the philosophical meaning of life or spend my spare time (yeah, like I have a lot of that :D) staring into space considering that all-encompassing "why?" I don't do this at all, but I do like to think about things, especially when I'm walking. It was weird to have been walking with a guy who seems to be just as in touch with his feelings as I am. I was actually kind of shocked into silence (at least brain silence). He asked me "what do you fear most" and at the time I said "dolls" simply because that is the most irrational of my fears and something that was occupying my mind at the time since we had previously talked about ghosts and I was thinking about dolls being possessed and coming to life. No, it wasn't deep or thought-provoking or even close to philosophical. And then the jaw-dropping moment. The one thing men never want to admit. He told me that he was afraid of falling in love. Just like that, so naturally and simply. To add to this, he went on to tell me why he was afraid, and it was a fantastic conversation.
What? Men actually talk about this stuff? Don't get me wrong, I'm not stereotyping, but honestly I've never met a man so unabashed about what he fears most. I liked being surprised, though :)
So, it got me to thinking, what am I really afraid of? Sure, dolls. But there's more to it than that. So here's a list.
1. I'm afraid that I will not live up to my own standards. I was in the Challenge Class for gifted students in elementary school, I breezed through middle school (academically...socially is another story), I was in the top 25 of my graduating class, became a National Merit Scholar and a Herbert presidential scholar, and I continue to excel. I'm not bragging; in truth, this scares me. I know I'm intelligent, I know that I have some weird thirst for knowledge (and I don't mean getting an A in class) that others don't have, I know that I want to make a huge difference, somewhere. I just don't want to be a middle school English teacher who's bored with her job and dreams of being a writer. I don't want to be a counselor who listens to other's problems every day and forgets to take care of herself. I don't want to be stuck somewhere, with a clear set of boundaries and no room to expand. I want to travel, I want to be open-minded, I want to continue to learn, I want to be impactful, I want to do a lot of things :) I'm afraid that these grand schemes may come crashing down in the future, and I will be left broken.
2. Speaking of broken, I suppose that I am also afraid of falling in love, or not falling in love, or both. I jokingly told somebody that I would be the one who ends up as a hermit writer living in a cabin in the woods somewhere far away from civilization. And the scary part is, I think I would be all right with that for a few years. But I want to find the right person. I know it will come in time, and that I'll know when I do in time. But what if I don't? Like my friend said, he can't find the right one because they all "break his heart". Well, I'd rather have my heart broken knowing that someday I'll find a person who makes me truly truly happy. And it's not like I spend my time trying to find that perfect man, honestly I don't even really think about it, but after that conversation I have really been wondering. Hmmm...
3. I am truly afraid of the way that our technology is headed. Don't get me wrong, I love love love technology. But really, there's a point where we have gone too far. No longer is communication the personal, warm generation of feelings that it once was. And yes, I know, you are thinking "what a hypocrite, she's blogging about how communication sucks and she posted it on Facebook". If you're not thinking that, you should be :) Impersonal communication (okay, not entirely impersonal, but much less personal than in the past) is vital nowadays, and I'd much rather have my voice heard than not. Also, most of you who are reading this are likely good friends who care. And I would be ecstatic to have a conversation about all of this in person. You'd have to deal with my inability to express myself very well in words, though :) Back to the point...I am afraid of our progress in technology. But there's nothing I can do about it, and life has this funny way of circling in such a way that is so remarkable. In the future, humans will be back to square one. No technology. No computer. Just them and the earth. Or us and the earth, depending on how soon Father Time and Mother Nature want to restart. Heck, it could be 2012.
Ahhh. I'm glad that I was able to get that out. It was weird to listen to this guy who was so obviously more in touch with his feelings. When I saw weird I mean that it was a good weird...and I really hope that I am able to talk more with this excessively interesting person :D
I don't think I could be a hermit. Even if it sounds kind of appealing. I like people toooo much!
So those are my thoughts for the day.
I'd actually really like to hear some fears that you have, and you can email me or talk with me or get in contact with me and we can talk :)
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