Optical Illusion

So I really should be writing my one-act play at the moment, but I suppose that any sort of inspiration will come to me in time. Hopefully. I had to write this because my life is feeling rather optical-illusion-y at the moment. So let me begin.

We are all characterized by the things we say and do on the outside. A hairstyle, a body type, a gesture, a greeting, a conversation. Now some might say that what we say directly correlates with how we are on the inside, but I beg to differ. Much of what I say has nothing to do with what I'm feeling on the inside. My mouth is definitely the filter between my thoughts and vocalized speech. When I'm writing, the thoughts simply explode from my fingertips. Anyway, it is necessity that we characterize people by their outside actions and make-up, because obviously we do not know what is inside and have no way of getting to know one another unless we characterize in this way. Now the question is, do we ever get to know the "inside" of a person? Can we every break that boundary of physical body and actually connect with the mind and soul of another? The answer is no. Yeah, right, Ashley the eternal optimist here, saying that it is impossible to get to know another's true inside self. But I've just come to the realization that we are all sort of optical illusions, that people perceive us in one way that probably differs greatly from reality (our self-reality). Let me explain.

Let us say that I have just met a guy. He casually introduces himself, I introduce myself. From his looks and his forward attitude, he seems very confident and charming. He asks for my number. Now-- what is his motivation? Do I really know? No, of course I don't. I simply know that an attractive guy asked for my number, so I give it to him. What is my motivation? He doesn't know either. Perhaps he's fallen in love, and I am just giving him my number because he looks nice (that would suck). Perhaps he's dating another girl and I look like the type to play the game. Perhaps he's simply interested in getting to know me. No matter what we're thinking, this exchange is going to amount to something and both of us will have preconceived notions of what it will amount to, and this shapes the relationship regardless of what we are thinking on the inside. And then a series of events unfold that make or break the relationship <-- Don't even get me started on the "relationship game". That is for another blog post :) But regardless of how close I get to this guy, I will never know his motivations, I will never know what he's thinking or feeling on the inside; I can only characterize him based on what he says or does to me.

Let's just say that I have known these people for my entire life. Just recently I've learned things that days ago I would have laughed off and said were untrue. However, what I've learned is true beyond a shadow of a doubt, and now I'm left to pick up the pieces of a shattered optical illusion. I've caught a glimpse of the objective reality and now I'm sitting here confused staring at a life that I thought was true with people I thought I knew very well. Did I really know these people? Yes and no. I know a conglomeration of events and words and actions that have taken place over the years; I know the emotions and memories of these people. But I do not know these people on the inside.

And that is what is so hard for me. To think that we spend our lives communicating, but that this communication is all just a facade in front of the real thing. I could spend my life lying and nobody would be the wiser. I could spend my life telling the truth and nobody would know the difference.

It's interesting. As you can probably tell I don't like petty relationships. All that, "hey what's up?" "how are you?" "good" stuff that goes on every day. Once I talk to a person, it's hit or miss. If I like you I love you, and if I don't like you then I'm not going to pursue anything. Problem is, not a lot of people feel this way, so I'm typically left reeling after throwing myself into the hesitant arms of another.