What I Wanted to Say

I only really have goofy quotes for the day/night/whatever, and I'm in a serious mood anyway. So I'm taking poetic liberty here and killing the quote thing for a day in order to talk about what's on my mind.
We all have those instances in our daily lives where we wished we would have said something. If you couldn't already tell based on the fact that I love to write, I am not the most gifted in impromptu speech. Words come easier when I'm writing than when I'm speaking, so I'd venture to say I'm a professional at the art of wishing I would've said something when I didn't. I want to begin with a story.
Dad isn't the kind of guy to be rushed. He always takes his time (in fact, this used to frustrate me so much when I was little and wanted to get somewhere as quickly as possible)-- my dad the turtle :) I spent the day with him, my little sister, and my best friend Chelsea recently and wondered what lasting damage the "separation" had done to him. God, the separation. I spit it out of my mouth, don't like to say it. Don't even like to type it. He's living in a different house, seems tired a lot, and he's taken to saying "I love you" much more often now. Not life-changing, just changes. I didn't think that the separation would change how he's always been, though. "Two different people"...what's the whole point of this, again? My parents estrange themselves from one another because they're too different to get along? But wouldn't they stay the same? Apparently such is not the case. Dad seemed on edge when we came over, irritable, different. He kept moving around the house, painting this or that, opening and closing doors. We drove in the truck to get dinner and I thought it was funny that he told all three of the girls to get out of the vehicle to put our name in. O'Charley's. My dad and I love the potato soup there. We three girls walked inside and instantly saw that it was too crowded, so we started walking back to the truck. I saw the rough outline of my dad against the truck door, and something that didn't belong. A white cylinder held between the fingers, puffs of smoke in the air. We saw him, but he shoved the cigarette in his pocket and never mentioned anything about it.

This is not my dad. And it makes me wonder how much of my parents I truly know. When I was little, I thought parents never hugged or kissed or showed any signs of affection for that matter. I thought they argued all the time but they still loved each other.

I wish I would have confronted my dad about the cigarette. I wish I would have confronted my parents about a lot of things, but I didn't...I haven't...I won't.

There are a lot of things that I will get right because of the mistakes of my parents. Most importantly, I will build a relationship whose foundation is not argumentative. I don't want to get in arguments every day, even every week. I know that some people seem to think conflict creates stronger bonds, but for me those stronger bonds are created through experience and time spent together. I will always show affection in a relationship. I would not consider myself affectionate, really. I don't always like people to touch me, I don't always like to touch other people. But I will touch, kiss, hug someone I truly care about. And I refuse to be in a long-term relationship knowing that I am unhappy. It will only hurt in the end.

So those are my thoughts. This turned into a rather long non-quote post :)

The secret is keeping busy...

Delightfully deceptive.
It's funny that emotions always come in opposing pairs, even if we don't realize at first. At this moment, I am a jumbled mixture of several thousand combatting emotions: confused, certain, comfortable, discomposed, free, bound, ecstatic, despairing. The list goes on. We humans are complicated creatures. But on to the quote, shall we?

JacobJoooones and I were conversing through text. I had just gotten back from Starbucks with Joe who is by far my best male friend. He will always be. It made me think about that type of guy...the infamous "best friend" type. Joe and I would never work in a relationship (and this is not meant to be harsh to him...it's just how things have always been with us), but we share a friendship that has lasted since seventh grade. I was explaining this to Jacob, and he asked whether he was the "best friend" type or the "boyfriend" type. I told him he seemed more like the best friend.

Jacob: "...And I would say that is a correct answer. I always feel like that works out much better in the long run...like there is more to being a best friend than being a boyfriend...I feel like it shows you care for the person more when you care...more than being his/her significant other."

Ashley: "I disagree. I think if you come about relationships the right way, you can be a best friend and a boyfriend. It just depends whether it's the right girl or not."

Jacob: "I'll say that's correct. How do you know/will you know when you've met the right person?"

Ashley: "I just think you know. But I'm not sure. It takes time, maybe?"

Jacob: "Time. The point in time where you realize...the significant other's well being is more important to you than yours? And the just knowing is one of the things that I feel...could be indescribable until felt?"


Perhaps this is why I had trouble answering your percentage question, Drew. You can't really put a percentage on something like couple/friends. The lines blur. And as far as the "just knowing"...I figured you would appreciate. But time, time, time. The real question may be-- how do we determine if we're running out?

"Meradge"

Today, I received the cutest email EVER. My mom's best friend Vicki lost her husband to suicide several years ago, and has been dating a man named David for about a year now. She has two kids who I babysit and hang out with quite often...they are definitely the coolest kids in the world:)
Anyway, little Ashley (who's 10 I think) sent me an email today entitled "Meradge". Here's all that it said:

"david perposed to my mom yesterday!!!!!!!!!!!"

I can only imagine the excitement in that house. I love love...it has the ability to make broken people so happy:)

Adele

I love this musician with every inch of my being. But then again, I love a lot of things with every inch of my being :) If you haven't heard her before, your life is incomplete.

"I've seen your face under every sky,
Over every border and on every line,
You know my heart more than I do"

--"I'll Be Waiting"

Absolute truth.

My apologies for getting so upset. I suppose it is a collection of
1) I don't like to see you unhappy
2) Hello. Three years was too long. Can't do that again. Don't want to lose you.
3) Awesome things tend to happen when we get together.
4) Well, you know.

So SMILE :D

So It Goes.

I was perusing through my favorite book earlier today: Slaughterhouse-Five. Perhaps the most incredibly misleading book I've read. I say misleading because when I finished it the first time (for academic superbowl...I KNOW...nerdy:D) I was like "What?! Tralfamadorians? 'Everything was beautiful and nothing hurt'? A fourth dimension? This guy must be on drugs."
But he wasn't. He beautifully, poetically, incredibly wasn't. If you haven't read the book I encourage you (and I MAY force you) to read it. Anywho, I highlighted a lot of quotes and came across two that were especially relevant to me at the moment.

"All time is all time. It does not change. It does not lend itself to warnings or explanations. It simply is. Take it moment by moment, and you will find that we are all, as I've said before, bugs in amber."

--You can see how Vonnegut feels about free will in this one.


"How nice--to feel nothing, and still get full credit for being alive."

--My god, how true is this. Take from it what you will.


And..."so it goes", which WILL be tattooed on my arm/shoulder/wrist/collarbone as soon as I feel the time is right:)


huiawhfe;oiahwefjiuhafeiuhaeiuaeiuha <-- you know what this means, of course :)

Quotes Galore

The most memorable quotes came in textual form (hehehe "textual"):

Winner:
"NOOOO! I'm not fascinated with depression, I just like Poe. Haunting. Big difference. Depressing sucks."

I would venture to say that if you like Poe...you are at LEAST morbid. AT LEAST.

Losers:
"We don't come to Jesus to get stuff (happiness/heaven/health/wealth). We come to Jesus to get Jesus." (Ummm really? Are you suuure???)

and
"I'm glad you think so cuz I would be so lost without you! Haha...you are my best good friend as well..Probably the only person who accepts my love for biebz."


By the way, I truly enjoyed your psychology journal. Especially the description of the final stage. I would really love to talk to you more about this, sir.

A Classy Night

I went out tonight with JacobJoooones, Ryan, Courtney, Joe, and Chelsea to watch the Butler Symphony Orchestra at Clowe's Hall. We got all dressed up and spent our Friday evening being classy little college students. The night was wondrous.
However, this was a symphony. So. No words. Therefore, I don't have any quotes from this extravagant affair (not really extravagant since it was FREEEE!) But I do have a few good ones from earlier at my grandma's house. We pulled out a few cassette tapes from long, long ago; Brandon and I liked to pretend that we were radio broadcasters and so we'd create a set list of our favorite songs, report on the news/weather and record ourselves. I don't think we understood that our family would keep those tapes. Some of the funnier quotes are...

Brandon: "Elvis was spotted today, folks, climbing out of a gutter in New York City. Rescue squads are being sent in as we speak. You might say Elvis has..."
Ashley: "Left the coffin!"

and

Brandon: "And the weather today is..."
Ashley: "89 DEGREES!"
Brandon: "With winds gusting at only 4 mph. It's partly cloudy and veryyy sunny!"

I totally forgot about Jewel's song "Hands", as well. I looove that song, if you haven't heard it check it out.

"f I could tell the world just one thing
It would be that we're all OK
And not to worry 'cause worry is wasteful
And useless in times like these
I won't be made useless
I won't be idle with despair
I will gather myself around my faith
For light does the darkness most fear
My hands are small, I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
And I am never broken"

Loser Quote (Me and Chels):

"Sister!"
"Bratwurst!"

Building Sand Castles

"The tighter you hold on to sand the faster it falls though your fingers."

No, this is not my quote. I simply had to reply to it. Sure, jealousy (like many vices) has the ability to break a relationship. But wouldn't lack of jealousy mean an excess of contentment? And that is just as bad. My philosophy is...if you truly love something, you will do all in your power to try to keep it. I'm so...sick...of playing games. Especially when that sand is so important to me. Perhaps I'm an all or nothing kind of gal. I don't like the in-betweens. For example, I have a few passionately close friends, and not a lot of simply acquaintance-friends. And I love them with as much ferocity as I can muster; you could say that I am holding tightly onto the sands of our friendship. Does this ruin the friendship? No, because those whom I love so deeply feel the same way, and work to keep the friendship alive.
It's not easy. But that is how the true friendships last. Perhaps love is the same way.
The hardest part, however, is letting go of that sand.

This quote is actually an entire song, because I couldn't break up any part of it. Point is...sometimes love is about taking chances, knowing what's right and not being "too scared to try".

Tryin' on a brand new dress
But you haven't worn the old one yet
You've come too far
To turn around now

You've given up the good fight
You're as strong as anyone
You're back where you started from
I see you're back where you started from

Starin' down the stars
Jealous of the moon
You wish you could fly
Just being where you are
There's nothin' you can do
If you're too scared to try

Drag your pretty head around
Swearin' you're gonna drown
With a beautiful sigh
And a river of lies

Starin' down the stars
Jealous of the moon
You wish you could fly
Just stayin' where you are
There's nothin' you can do
If you're too scared to try

Why don't you call me, I could save you
Together we'll find a God we can pray to
That'll take you by the hand

I hate to see a friend of mine
Laughing out loud
When she's crying inside
But you've got your pride

Starin' down the stars
Jealous of the moon
You wish you could fly
But you're stayin' where you are
There's nothin' you can do
If you're too scared to try

You're starin' down the stars
Stay where you are
You're jealous of the moon
But there's nothing you can do
If you're too scared to try

Quote for the Night

Losers:
"Epitome of Elephants" and "French toast and a french kiss"

>:)

Winner:
"Back to the street corner downtown with an orange glow of the street lamps and the ever-changing red, green and orange lights reflecting off the puddles and the slight breeze of the night. There I stood with my two friends and saw a vision of the man I am to become. And God showed me that night that there is hope for men. There is hope for mankind. Gentlemen are still alive. Jacob is a true gentlemen with a sound head on his shoulders. He respects women, treats them like ladies, and keeps calm.

Jacob, you are a man of respect and I pray God makes me into a man like you. Carry the lessons of chivalry you were taught by your father and may your future children bless this world with peace."

I'm pretty sure this is the sweetest thing I've ever heard a friend say about another friend. I am so glad to have met some true gentlemen.

:)

Philosophical Meanderings

Have I mentioned how much I adore my philosophy class? CUZ I do. It's an evening class, and even though I SHOULD be tired I find myself so excited to get there. Like, abnormally excited. Kind of giddy, little-girlish excited. I would like to thank Mr. Hurst for killing whatever normalcy I had in me before freshman year (admittedly not much). Now I look forward to philosophy class, and (O Heavens!) homework. This is a slight problem, I think. Eh, who cares. The point is that I take a plethora of notes in philosophy, and they mostly consist of the intriguing things that my teacher discusses. Please bear in mind that my teacher has an awesome Polish accent and I drool slightly whenever she says "Good evening, class" so the quotes are probably much cooler if you hear them in person. SOOO...we are currently studying Nicomachean ethics by Aristotle, and it's all about virtue and a common reason for our actions (happiness) and what makes us good people, etc. etc. Aristotle was a firm believer in free will, the idea that humans can shape their destinies, can consciously be either good or bad people. What an optimistic idea! To think that we control our own destinies (C-O-R-N-Y but true, according to Aristotle). Followed by a brief moment of reflective silence in the class, my professor said this:

"We are not born morally good or evil, we build our character, we become who we are."

How fitting for my blog. Cogito, ergo sum. I think, therefore I am. My conscious thought has the power to create me. I am me...not because of a divine creator's intervening hand nor because of my environment. I am me because I choose to be me. Now, in saying this I must qualify. I do very much believe (as do most humans) that we are products of our environment. Children living in low socioeconomic environments are highly likely to stay suspended on the bottom rungs of the social ladder throughout their lives. I grew up in a Christian background and followed that religion not because of my created beliefs but because my family believed. But see, the beauty and the mystery of it all is that we alone hold power over our virtue. We can choose to do what is morally right, or what is morally wrong. It is a choice, not a circumstance, not something we are born into.

I love you, Aristotle. :)

Not In Love

So, admittedly, I originally heard this song and was not impressed. But recently it's been stuck in my head and I continue to listen to it. I guess that means that I enjoy the song. I guess.
Hah. Anywho, it's called "Not In Love" by Crystal Castles and ft. Robert Smith. The lyrics are sad, sad, sad, and remind me of that certain someone who keeps telling me that he's not depressed but sleeps until 7 or 8 p.m. and has taken up smoking.

"I saw your picture hangin' on the back of my door
Won’t give you my heart no one lives there anymore
And we were lovers now we can't be friends
Fascination ends
Here we go again"

and it goes on to say "I'm not in love...I'm not in love...etc. etc."

I just hate this idea. If something wasn't right, it wasn't right. I firmly believe in "the right one"...and I also believe that two people know if they are right for one another or not. Can a person really be in love with someone who doesn't feel the same? Is this truly love?
I don't know. I LOVE Dave Matthews, but does he love me back? Probably not. So do I really love him? Ehh...no. (But you will never hear me admit that ever again) :D I suppose someone could love the idea of another. But that isn't really love either.
Hm. Interesting.

Mai Maka'u (Don't be afraid)

I visited a homeless ministry/church today for a journalism project I'm working on in one of my classes. It was one of the most intriguing experiences I've had in a while. The sense of community there is overwhelming; many members are bussed to the church together, live on the streets together, and spend hours growing in their god together. I suppose I'd never seen friendship run that deep, or expressed that openly. These people are so grateful for companionship, anybody to talk to, and it made me consider and be grateful for my own friendships in life.
I've been talking a lot about love lately. Contradicting my own views, isolating myself from the world in my introverted necessity, trying to express the optimistic side. So what do I think about love? I'm honestly not sure, at the moment. I think that I'm leaning toward pessimism, pushing away those who love me most and storing my closest friendships deep within my heart. During one conversation today, I came across this quote which I think vividly depicts friendship in its truest form.
How true this is, in my life at the moment. I can feel some friendships slipping through my fingers. Others have weathered so much that I could spend years away, come back, and find that the friendship has only grown stronger.

"Friendship is like holding on to sand. One can't hold on to sand because sooner or later it's either going to blow away, slip through your fingers, or you're going to get tired of holding on to it. But if there are two people both trying to hold on to the same pile of sand, one can block the wind, catch the sand falling through the fingers, or hold it when the other is tired..."
---Mark Anthony Raquedan

Relatively soon, I am going to have to think more deeply about this quote. Two years on another continent, with only email and handwritten letters to communicate with those I love. It makes me wonder which friends will become more distant, which will grow closer. And if I have a boyfriend, I wonder how that's going to work. Could it? This is something I'm going to have to consider even in the next year with relationships...if anything long-term happens before I graduate, that's going to be a major determinant of a future together. Hmm. The future is a scary place. But I'm EXTREMELY excited about the corps. Since the beginning of high school, I have felt that it's something I NEED to do with my life. I don't have a choice. It's my fate/destiny/whatever you want to call it.

Anywho. There's my quote and long-winded discussion that is a little random :)

Quote for You

My good friend, who seems to be a quote hound, said this one while we were conversing. Actually, while he was spamming me with quotes and I was reading along:

"The road to hell is paved with good intentions."

I don't know what to think of this one. An illuminating conversation sometime would be much appreciated, if you can make any sense of it :)

Non compos mentis (of unsound mind).

I peered into my bookshelf the other day and there, waiting to be reopened, were my old journals. Since I'm having a mentally/physically sick day, I figured... why not wallow in my sappy old poems? I'm already wallowing, so I might as well make life more interesting for myself. I found one page that resonated with me, and actually illuminated my trust issues (which is hard to find since apparently I didn't even trust my journals). I'd like to share it simply to begin this meandering of thought:

I repel feelings like I
repel bugs and spiders
because everyone knows
spiders aren't bugs
as you
aren't meant for me.
so I simply repel you
for lack of a better term
because I know
people like you can't
just walk into my door
and leave without
breaking something.
Perhaps my open door might
invite you to come closer
but this lock is
on my sleeve and my heart is
in my head
where all of my doubt
is rooting its spider-web thin limbs and
telling me to stay away from you
when my soul is
telling me to stay,
and telling you to be with me.

Now I really don't know who this is about, but for the sake of interpretation I would like to dissect it. I "repel" people. This does not imply that I avoid people, but rather something deeper: I resist, I spurn others. And all because I know that I am going to get hurt. That's where my trust issues develop. One of my favorite quotes comes from Catcher in the Rye: "Don't ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody." This might be my twisted motto; I do not want to fully trust any person with myself, because if I do that would mean pain and sadness, in the end. Yet, I consider myself an open door. Perhaps this is the most confusing part of me. I am emotionally open until I find myself getting too close to another. That's when I begin to doubt despite my "soul's" pleas otherwise.

Just a thought. A relevant thought in light of recent events. People can be very mean. And here I am expressing to others the positive aspects of love, and the fact that we should love one another regardless...but I am repelling ALL people currently. And I am disturbingly all right with that.