Non compos mentis (of unsound mind).

I peered into my bookshelf the other day and there, waiting to be reopened, were my old journals. Since I'm having a mentally/physically sick day, I figured... why not wallow in my sappy old poems? I'm already wallowing, so I might as well make life more interesting for myself. I found one page that resonated with me, and actually illuminated my trust issues (which is hard to find since apparently I didn't even trust my journals). I'd like to share it simply to begin this meandering of thought:

I repel feelings like I
repel bugs and spiders
because everyone knows
spiders aren't bugs
as you
aren't meant for me.
so I simply repel you
for lack of a better term
because I know
people like you can't
just walk into my door
and leave without
breaking something.
Perhaps my open door might
invite you to come closer
but this lock is
on my sleeve and my heart is
in my head
where all of my doubt
is rooting its spider-web thin limbs and
telling me to stay away from you
when my soul is
telling me to stay,
and telling you to be with me.

Now I really don't know who this is about, but for the sake of interpretation I would like to dissect it. I "repel" people. This does not imply that I avoid people, but rather something deeper: I resist, I spurn others. And all because I know that I am going to get hurt. That's where my trust issues develop. One of my favorite quotes comes from Catcher in the Rye: "Don't ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody." This might be my twisted motto; I do not want to fully trust any person with myself, because if I do that would mean pain and sadness, in the end. Yet, I consider myself an open door. Perhaps this is the most confusing part of me. I am emotionally open until I find myself getting too close to another. That's when I begin to doubt despite my "soul's" pleas otherwise.

Just a thought. A relevant thought in light of recent events. People can be very mean. And here I am expressing to others the positive aspects of love, and the fact that we should love one another regardless...but I am repelling ALL people currently. And I am disturbingly all right with that.