What I Wanted to Say

I only really have goofy quotes for the day/night/whatever, and I'm in a serious mood anyway. So I'm taking poetic liberty here and killing the quote thing for a day in order to talk about what's on my mind.
We all have those instances in our daily lives where we wished we would have said something. If you couldn't already tell based on the fact that I love to write, I am not the most gifted in impromptu speech. Words come easier when I'm writing than when I'm speaking, so I'd venture to say I'm a professional at the art of wishing I would've said something when I didn't. I want to begin with a story.
Dad isn't the kind of guy to be rushed. He always takes his time (in fact, this used to frustrate me so much when I was little and wanted to get somewhere as quickly as possible)-- my dad the turtle :) I spent the day with him, my little sister, and my best friend Chelsea recently and wondered what lasting damage the "separation" had done to him. God, the separation. I spit it out of my mouth, don't like to say it. Don't even like to type it. He's living in a different house, seems tired a lot, and he's taken to saying "I love you" much more often now. Not life-changing, just changes. I didn't think that the separation would change how he's always been, though. "Two different people"...what's the whole point of this, again? My parents estrange themselves from one another because they're too different to get along? But wouldn't they stay the same? Apparently such is not the case. Dad seemed on edge when we came over, irritable, different. He kept moving around the house, painting this or that, opening and closing doors. We drove in the truck to get dinner and I thought it was funny that he told all three of the girls to get out of the vehicle to put our name in. O'Charley's. My dad and I love the potato soup there. We three girls walked inside and instantly saw that it was too crowded, so we started walking back to the truck. I saw the rough outline of my dad against the truck door, and something that didn't belong. A white cylinder held between the fingers, puffs of smoke in the air. We saw him, but he shoved the cigarette in his pocket and never mentioned anything about it.

This is not my dad. And it makes me wonder how much of my parents I truly know. When I was little, I thought parents never hugged or kissed or showed any signs of affection for that matter. I thought they argued all the time but they still loved each other.

I wish I would have confronted my dad about the cigarette. I wish I would have confronted my parents about a lot of things, but I didn't...I haven't...I won't.

There are a lot of things that I will get right because of the mistakes of my parents. Most importantly, I will build a relationship whose foundation is not argumentative. I don't want to get in arguments every day, even every week. I know that some people seem to think conflict creates stronger bonds, but for me those stronger bonds are created through experience and time spent together. I will always show affection in a relationship. I would not consider myself affectionate, really. I don't always like people to touch me, I don't always like to touch other people. But I will touch, kiss, hug someone I truly care about. And I refuse to be in a long-term relationship knowing that I am unhappy. It will only hurt in the end.

So those are my thoughts. This turned into a rather long non-quote post :)