Veneer

Being an introvert sometimes has its downfalls. When I am in the company of friends, my thoughts tend to burrow deep into the folds of my brain and stay there, dormant, until I am once again alone. I've been nothing but happy for a couple of weeks. Sure, at times images of broken things flash behind my eyes but the pictures are always slightly transparent and I don't pay much attention. Today was the first day I was alone for an extended period of time. I feel refreshed, yes. But the broken parts of my life are incredibly apparent in the stillness.
My life is a veneer. This is not to say that I'm not true to myself or that I'm putting on a front. I wouldn't say that. When I'm happy, I'm truly happy; I can not fake emotions. But what is on the surface is not equal to what is below the surface. If I could articulate this phenomenon any more, I would. Unfortunately I can't find the words to describe it, so I will have to make due with stories, or more a collection of sentences that perhaps describe my brain's inner workings at the moment.

A family. Not happy, not discontent. Just a family.
Separation, never home, calling in bathrooms of restaurants and becoming defensive when I voice how much I worry about you.
A red fence, styrofoam bowls to eat cereal and plastic forks and knives. Whenever I come over, adjectives explode around me...happy, confident, stable, content. But in my head I hear whispers...melancholy, angry, stressed, worried.
Visit to the gravestone. It's habit now to blow you a kiss whenever I pass the cemetery. I sit on the grass and talk to you, knowing that you can't answer. But I do it anyway; I don't know why.
Smiling relatives in pain.
Hidden alcoholism.
Breaking hearts, intentionally. Trying to feel something that isn't there.
I'm a scared little girl, smiling when my eyes are closed.
Veneers. Chipped pieces show what is beneath.

I haven't been able to stop thinking about the feeling of hands on skin, of closeness...even thought that has nothing to do with my above words.

Those are my thoughts for tonight. I feel much more relieved now that I've written things out.
Goodnight:)